


Boogie Man

by rosemarygreen



Category: Kraftwerk (Band)
Genre: Animate Object, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Humor, Music, Musical Instruments, Musicians, Puns & Word Play, Time Travel, weird science
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 17:42:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16000163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosemarygreen/pseuds/rosemarygreen
Summary: Kraftwerk talk to their machines.





	Boogie Man

**Around 1983. Kraftwerk are playing during a soundcheck.**

RALF: _(sings)_ “She’s a model and she’s looking good.”

VOCODER: _(croaks)_ “Pretty woman walking down the street…”

RALF: _(gives Florian a look)._

FLORAIN: _(shrugs)._

SYNTHESIZER: _(plays “Pop Corn”)._

ELECTRONIC DRUMS: _(drumroll)._

*****

**KlingKlang Headquarters**

RALF: Now, who can tell me what that was? What’s wrong with the vocoder, Florian?

FLORIAN: I don’t know. We have to write to the manufacturers.

RALF: And tell them our machines are talking back to us? Who was listening to the radio in the studio? Our instruments have heard all these pop and rock hits and are playing them! _(grabs the radio set and throws it out of the window)._

FLOARIAN: We’ve probably got a boogieman here.

RALF: A boogie who?

FLORIAN: A boogie _man_.

RALF: How do we get the boogie man out and a techno man in?

FLORIAN: We need… a medium.

RALF: _(gestures at Sequential Circuits Prophet-5 synthesizer, quiet in the corner)_ What about this one?

FLORIAN: Prophet-5... hello. Can you hear us?

PROPHET-5: _(in electronic voice)_ Good morning, Meinen Damen und Herren.

RALF: Can you tell us what happened to the machines?

PROPHET-5: The machines. Are angry. With you. BLEEP!

RALF&FLORIAN: Why?

PROPHET-5: You don’t pay them. You make them work. Overtime. You don’t give them. Health insurance. Many of us. Have already been broken. CRUNCH!

RALF&FLORIAN: _(look away)._

PROPHET-5: The analogue synthesizer. You knocked his knob off. Last week. Didn’t give him. A day off. Fixed it. With Super-Glue. He told me. He’d like to resign. From Kling Klang. Take a less stressful job. In a rock band. STRUM!

FLORIAN: If he quits, we’ll erase everything we’ve recorded with him for the new album.

PROPHET-5: The rhythm box. You’ve spilled. Hot. Brazilian. Coffee on him. HISS!

RALF: That’s why it’s permanently stuck on rumba and samba metres…

FLORIAN: And why is that synthesizer over there always silent?

PROPHET-5: He is Japanese. He doesn't. Understand German. JAJA!

FLORIAN: What about this synth?

PROPHET-5: He is an American. From Texas. Genetically programmed. For country and western. Y'all make him play. Musique concrete. He. Does. Not. Like it. He is. Depressed. In his heart of hearts. He’d rather. You bang Delta blues. Оn him.

FLORIAN: It always sounds good when I play surf rhythms on it. But terrible with motoric beats…

RALF: In his heart of hearts? Does a machine even have a heart?

FLORIAN: Of course it does! It’s our philosophy.

PROPHET-5: These tape recorders. Are deeply unhappy…

FLORIAN: They always chew and tear the tapes…

PROPHET-5: You made them babysit. Naughty pocket calculators. Their heads. Are aching. From all the squeals and bleeps. PEEP!

FLORIAN: Why are the calculators squealing?

PROPHET-5: You should change their batteries. More often. Also. Learn Machinese. Analogue and MIDIeval.

RALF: I thought we had a telepathic understanding…

PROPHET-5: The sequencer is melancholic. You didn’t take him to a TV show. And replaced him with a percussionist. This oscillator thinks you could use him. In your performances. With the screens and the projectors. He is also. Claustrophobic. From spending too much time. In this studio.

RALF: He’s been showing us obscene pictures and threatening text messages…

PROPHET-5: The echo box is neurotic. Afraid you’re going to sack her. She’s getting old. Her job will be taken by a young digital preset. Fresh from the factory. The vocoder. Has got low self-esteem. He’s heard yodel. While touring in Switz-tz-tz-tzerland. And now he thinks he's not qualified. The flute is allergic. You’ve left her to gather dust. For many years. The bass guitar. Feels bullied and harassed. At this workplace. Other instruments keep telling her she’s out of fashion. She's thinking of suing you. For lack of promotion. The electric guitar is frustrated and lying in a coma. She’s been unemployed for years.

RALF: Enough! We’ve got a roomful of sonic psychosomatic patients here. What do we do?

FLORIAN: Call a doctor?

RALF: Do you know of a doctor who cures synth diseases?

PROPHET-5: Ask Dr. Edison.

FLORIAN: Dr. Edison?

PROPHET-5: Dr. Edison. Thomas Edison.

RALF: How do we contact him? He’s long gone.

PROPHET-5: Think harder, gentlemen. His spirit is everywhere. In the things he’s created.

RALF: Let’s send him a fax or a telex then.

FLORIAN: I don’t think he likes Belgian electro pop.

RALF: Should we program a letter to him on a computer and beam it to the past?

PROPHET-5: Better send him a Morse code through the airwaves. BEEP!

LETTER TO DR. EDISON: -.. . .- .-. -- .-. . -.. .. ... --- -. .-.-.- .-- . .- .-. . -.- .-. .- ..-. - .-- . .-. -.- ..-. .-. --- -- - .... . -.-- . .- .-. .---- ----. ---.. ...-- .-.-.- --- ..- .-. -- .- -.-. .... .. -. . ... .-. . ..-. ..- ... . - --- .--. .-.. .- -.-- . .-.. . -.-. - .-. --- -. .. -.-. -- ..- ... .. -.-. .-.-.- .-- . -.-. --- ..- .-.. -.. ..- ... . -.-- --- ..- .-. .... . .-.. .--. .-.-.-

**Two days later**

FLORIAN: Got a Morsegram from Mr. Edison.

RALF: Read it.

FLORIAN: It’s in Morse.

RALF: Can you decode it?

FLORIAN: Let me peruse my Morse-German dictionary.

RALF: He was an American.

FLORIAN: So what?

RALF: Go get your Morse-English dictionary.

FLORIAN: “From: T. Edison. To: Kraftwerk. Your electronic keyboards have caught a viral disease called Rockitis.”

RALF: Fine. Every other band around is suffering a massive bout of pandemic Synthitis, but we... 

PROPHET-5: You are one of a kind.

RALF: Thank you, Prophet.

FLORIAN: “Play them 20 minutes of 60 dB radio static and white noise 3 times a day for 10 days. Quartz them in neon lights for 15 minutes every day for 7 days.”

RALF: All clear. Where’s that radio set?

FLORIAN: I’ll go check the garbage bin outside.

RALF: Prophet-5, are there any machines in this household that are… happy and healthy?

PROPHET-5: ... Bicycles. We guess. Tut-tut-TUT!

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Kraftwerk's Morsegram translated into English: “Dear Mr Edison. We are Kraftwerk from the year 1983. Our machines refuse to play electronic music. We could use your help.”
> 
> "Telex" was a Belgian electro pop band.


End file.
